tamchronin: (Hermione - brown nosing know it all)
[personal profile] tamchronin
I'm 38 and getting married. I'm a mom. I have a house and a job. You'd think I'd have my shit together by now.

Well, I suppose I'm getting better at pretending. I know the right things to say these days, more often than I used to. I still feel like I'm broken inside.

I read this post of Single Dad Laughing today. I'm falling apart all over again. I don't have secrets like that, I wear it all pretty much on my sleeve, but the things others keep secret are things I feel, too. I just have no shame, I guess.

This whole approaching wedding thing actually has me depressed, off and on. Not about the wedding or the marriage, though that *does* terrify me in ways that are hard to explain. (After 38 years of not being good enough for anyone, I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Good things just don't *happen* to me without some horrible cost.) I think mostly it's the stress piling up, because that's a thing, right?

I've been telling everyone that I haven't been writing/editing because of the looming wedding. Honestly, I started looking at agent websites and just about crumbled under the weight of not being good enough. Even if I win the cosmic lottery and get one story, one novel, one *something* published, how could I ever hope to keep it up? My book will sit on the bottom shelf, picked up by a handful of people who already know my fanfic if I'm lucky and they'd still give me a shot, and then...nothing.

I'm supposed to have it all together by now. I keep saying, "This year is the year." I've been saying that for so long it's obviously just a hollow shell now. A brittle mask that hides the fact that there's just not enough substance inside to hold it up much longer. I can't even get my best friends to stay interested in my novels long enough to read them. I can't convince any boyfriend I've ever had to even give what I've written a try.

What a sham I am. What a wreck. I almost convinced myself that my life was everything I'd ever wanted. I'm nothing like I want to convince everyone I am.

(no subject)

Date: 2013-03-01 03:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jupiter-star.livejournal.com
I still read them, when you toss them my way.

(no subject)

Date: 2013-03-01 03:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tamchronin.livejournal.com
If Dropbox isn't too hard to access for you, I set up access for ALL of my writing for you when I was trying to get Rachel to read some of my stuff. I was working at the time, so I forgot to, you know, actually say anything. Like, maybe, how to follow my labyrinthine thought processes to find Elemental, for example. >_>

(Original Stories > Priority > The Godslayers > Elemental, if you were wondering.)

If Dropbox is horribad to you, let me know. I'll start emailing again. I have almost three chapters of Elemental done on my second draft, and I think I'm doing a pretty good job except for it taking me so long. hehe

(no subject)

Date: 2013-03-01 04:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] butterflydrming.livejournal.com
{{hugs}}

I'll read anything you have, any genre, if you have a 75% completion of first draft or greater. I honestly will, and I will be happy to give you a list of all the things that I like in it. I'm also willing to give you constructive criticism, if you are in the editing process and want that from me.

If, after the wedding, you want to join a writing group, I'll "sponsor" you into the PCGs. (We are on Dreamwidth and a secret group on Facebook. Sometimes we still meet in chat for writing sessions.) It's a group of awesome people all writing very different things. The rule we use is that members have to commit to giving an equal or greater number of constructive crits for other members, in exchange for having their work on the calendar for a month. I still feel awkward in doing crits, but I know how useful it is to get any feedback at all on a thing, so I do them as often as I am able.

I'll read incomplete & ongoing things too, but I can't promise that I will stay with them. Still, I'd rather be distracted from my own writing in reading someone else's, instead of doing useless things. I'd be honored if you shared your dropbox with me. (cristy dot honles at gmail.)

On more thing that I want to say: your writing, whether fanfic or original, succeeds because you see things in ways that others don't until you show them. That is where your talent (one of your talents) is. Others can have great technique and turn out books at the rate of Stephen King, but being able to create that connection with other people, to show them what they didn't think of before, is not something that just anyone can do.

(no subject)

Date: 2013-03-03 05:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tamchronin.livejournal.com
You made me cry. Really. I'm so very touched.

I'm still thinking over your offer. I am *terrible* at giving feedback to other people, even when it's something I think is just spectacular.

I might add you on dropbox. I might not. Right now there are only three people I've invited, and even that many people having access to *everything* I've ever written makes me a touch nervous, and they're people I trust pretty absolutely. I *will* think about it, though.

(no subject)

Date: 2013-03-03 07:07 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
{gives you cute handkerchief }

Think about it as long as you need. I wedding be offended if you feel better about keeping the circle close. :)

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Tam Chronin

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