tamchronin: (Hermione - brown nosing know it all)
[personal profile] tamchronin
I'm 38 and getting married. I'm a mom. I have a house and a job. You'd think I'd have my shit together by now.

Well, I suppose I'm getting better at pretending. I know the right things to say these days, more often than I used to. I still feel like I'm broken inside.

I read this post of Single Dad Laughing today. I'm falling apart all over again. I don't have secrets like that, I wear it all pretty much on my sleeve, but the things others keep secret are things I feel, too. I just have no shame, I guess.

This whole approaching wedding thing actually has me depressed, off and on. Not about the wedding or the marriage, though that *does* terrify me in ways that are hard to explain. (After 38 years of not being good enough for anyone, I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Good things just don't *happen* to me without some horrible cost.) I think mostly it's the stress piling up, because that's a thing, right?

I've been telling everyone that I haven't been writing/editing because of the looming wedding. Honestly, I started looking at agent websites and just about crumbled under the weight of not being good enough. Even if I win the cosmic lottery and get one story, one novel, one *something* published, how could I ever hope to keep it up? My book will sit on the bottom shelf, picked up by a handful of people who already know my fanfic if I'm lucky and they'd still give me a shot, and then...nothing.

I'm supposed to have it all together by now. I keep saying, "This year is the year." I've been saying that for so long it's obviously just a hollow shell now. A brittle mask that hides the fact that there's just not enough substance inside to hold it up much longer. I can't even get my best friends to stay interested in my novels long enough to read them. I can't convince any boyfriend I've ever had to even give what I've written a try.

What a sham I am. What a wreck. I almost convinced myself that my life was everything I'd ever wanted. I'm nothing like I want to convince everyone I am.
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tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Default)
Tam Chronin

August 2017

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