Nov. 5th, 2011 10:20 pm
tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Time)
It is really freakin' WEIRD to be writing a novel and not be getting instant feedback from ANYONE while I'm writing it. I don't know if what I'm doing works at all or not. I'm not sure if I like this.
tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Go away)
That's right. I'm doing NaNoWriMo this year.

No, I pretty much doubt I'll win it, with moving going on.

No, I don't think I'll share it with people. It's the history behind Elemental, and I kinda need to know what happened for bits of the sequel. Then again, hell, if I write enough in that universe maybe I'll find SOMETHING I find worth publishing. =P So far I think only a small handful of people would even find it interesting.

But anyway, yes. Writing is happening.

NaNoWriMo is a go.

If I finish the story, even if it's less than 50k, or if I don't finish it this month, whatever long as it's better than the last two years, I'll have won.

Of course, if by some miracle I go over 50k this month and finish this bit of backstory, I'll be over the moon. 'Cause, you know, that would just be awesome. :D
tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Peace Love and Donuts!)
Anakin came home upset today.

My first question was, "What are you in trouble for this time?"

He quickly explained that it wasn't anything like that. He started to go off on a rant about two other kids on the way home from school, and I grew irritated that he doesn't know how to get along with other kids. As an only child, he can be a little overbearing and demanding, and still has problems compromising with others.

No, it wasn't anything like that. He calmed down and explained that the two boys were picking on another, smaller, kid while they were walking home from school. He yelled at them, stood up for the smaller kid, and they started picking on him for it.

Anakin didn't back down. He didn't act afraid. So they rode off on their bikes to taunt the smaller kid again, this time trying to get physical. And Anakin said he glowered at them, rushing toward them to help the smaller kid out.

The bullies rode away, because he stood up to them. He wasn't afraid of them. He knew they had no interest in a fair fight.

A mom couldn't ask more from their kid than that. I'm so proud of him I could cry.


Sep. 18th, 2011 07:49 pm
tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Vacation Wanted)
Not much writing going on since I finished Elemental, but I've been doing a hell of a lot of reading. I have SO much to plot and plan. I want to get the mythology behind Elemental written, and then I'm really going to have to just force myself to finally make a map. World building is awesome and fun, but it's been a little bit daunting to realize that all the writing I've done the past five years has been world building for a larger story. I suspected it three years ago, and that's what contributed to the long writing hiatus on Elemental, but enough people have read it and agree with my assessment that it's official now.

Damn what a GOOD bit of world building!

Okay, that aside, I've been getting a little bit of editing in here and there, but I've taken a bit of a break to read a few things by [ profile] knkfics the last week or so. Their writing always fills me with ideas and inspires me to write more, so in the long run it will balance out.

In other news, Anakin is taking piano lessons. I mentioned it on Facebook, but I'm just so proud that I felt the need to post it again for another set of peeps...and to have a more permanent place to note it, so when I go back in a few years and look again I can remember it with a fond smile. When I was little, we could never afford anything like that, and for the longest time in his life we still couldn't. Now I'm trying to make sure we can. It's a weird feeling, because I never even thought about things like after school activities being a part of my life or the life of my kid. Now I can, and it's a good feeling to be able to encourage him like this. I can't even begin to explain it.

Things are going well with The Evil Redhead. We're both pretty nonconfrontational, which is a bit of a strain at times, but it's making me come out of my shell and resolve things more often. We're both still learning how to deal with each other, and I *think* we're both growing from the experience. Well, I know I am. If he is or not is up to him. hehe Most of the time things are just...good. I like good. Good is a nice change. :D

Finally, I picked up a nice cold from the public germ farm Anakin goes to every week day. As TER said today, at least it won't interfere with our camping trip. I'm looking forward to it SO much. I'm not the outdoorsy type, I'll admit it. Still, I enjoy camping anyway. Getting away, experiencing new things, getting dirty and not caring, sitting at the campfire, relaxing in a tent, sitting in the middle of nature...wonderful. Just wonderful. I just don't get how anyone would not enjoy camping every once in a while. So, yeah, glad I'll be over this cold before we go camping. :D
tamchronin: (Warning Lable)
I *really* need to stop rereading old K&K fanfics and get back to writing.

My job is getting a little more "bleh" than it used to be. More rules, less fun, less pay, less hours.

I still love it, and I adore the people, but it's seriously not what I want to do with the rest of my life.

You all KNOW what I want to do with the rest of my life, or you wouldn't have stuck around as long as you have.

I don't like how I was starting to set up the final battle in Elemental, but last night/this morning I finally came up with a few ideas. It might still suck, but that's what editing is for.

Hope you east coasters are all doing good. Earthquake and an impending hurricane makes for a busy week! Stay safe, and take care. ^_^
tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Time)
It's probably been well over a year since I curled up in the bottom of the shower and cried until I just couldn't cry anymore.

Not saying that life has been a bed of roses. It's still stressful and sometimes painful, but the intensity of the pain hasn't hit me the same way in a very long time.

Wish I could tell you what it means, but I'm not even sure. I'll be praying that those days don't come again any time soon.
tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Unicorn dream)
...and I mostly watched anime in my spare time the last few days. I finished both Negima and Princess Tutu. They were both really good, and Princess Tutu gave me a few things to think about as far as writing goes. I think I might be ready to tackle the end of Elemental, now.

There are some stories that inspire you to "fix" them, either through fanfic or by making a similar situation in your own world and going from there. There are some stories that inspire you to expand them by writing side stories and fanfic about characters that just didn't get the time they deserved. And then there are stories that inspire you to find your own story and just run with it. I'm not sure yet if Princess Tutu is the first or the last for me, but it's one of those two. The last two episodes made me really itch to start writing. Immediately.

I hope the feeling carries on. So, here's to our muses, wherever they're hiding. :D
tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Musical nerdery)
No, not you. My new laptop.

I can work on her. I can write (though I don't have the full version of Office, so my Word has ads...I'll remedy that once I've got her paid off.) I can watch Blu-ray disks (but the only one I own right now is Megamind.) I can attend meetings. And I can sit outside on those nicer days while I do that.

This is the first laptop I've ever owned that is not a hand-me-down from a family member. I can't tell you how good that makes me feel. I don't have to rely on someone else right now. I don't have to ask, to beg, to await permission or cooperation. It's mine. My decision, my responsibility, no wear marks, no anything that isn't mine from step one all the way to when I'm done with it.

I don't have to be locked away and isolated while I do things on my computer anymore. It's a very good feeling.

In other news, I had a TB/X plot bunny hop up to me. I don't have people to talk to about it anymore, though. I might let Seishirou-san feed it to the Tree...I have enough dark and twisted story on my hands.


Aug. 10th, 2011 03:30 pm
tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Useless)
Okay, I'm stuck on Elemental right now. Not *horribly* stuck, just stuck enough that I think I need a break. Instead of taking a total break from writing this time, I'm going to work on fanfic.

If I don't get any requests, I'll probably work on either Smoke and Mirrors or Riding the Wave. If there's a fanfic of mine you're dying to see me put out a chapter of, speak up. This is not a common occurrence anymore. lol
tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Time)
I'm four or five (at most) chapters from the end of Elemental.

The scene I'm writing right now is something that hit me a couple of weeks ago, and it disturbs me. Serious, heebie-jeebie, skin crawling disturbing. Something I almost wouldn't believe my main character capable of doing, except it's part of his grand plan to save the world.

I love it SO much.

But yeah, seriously, disturbed by it.
tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Unicorn dream)
I'm tired today. No, not sleepy. I couldn't go back to sleep if I tried.

Just tired. Weary, I suppose.

A few days ago my aunt asked if she could read Elemental when I was finished writing, before I get around to editing.

No, not my cool professor aunt who is married to a Jewish man and is very open-minded and exposed to a lot of really cool ideas all the time and made an antibiotic strain of flesh-eating bacteria a few summers ago. (Destroyed at the end of the class, of course.)

My other aunt.

The waitress who lives in southern Idaho and is, as of late, a very devout follower of the LDS church. She reads crime novels, mystery, suspense, and romance. Sure, she was raised in California, and before she got married a second time she lived a VERY wild lifestyle. She's always been very cool and very fun, and always very pretty.

I just don't know how she'll react to this story.

See, the main character in Elemental has a very fluid and flexible gender identity and sexual orientation.

The majority of LDS people are struggling against accepting those sorts of concepts, as I'm sure most people who read this will know. I grew up Mormon, until I was nine years old. I went back a few times, until I prayed about it and realized that the way the church is right now, I can't be a part of it. While I was Mormon I felt constantly drained and pulled apart. When I realized I was bi in high school I was not going to any church, but when I went back to the LDS church afterward it was very hard.

I suffered from depression. The LDS church added to that depression, because I could not pray away my attraction to women no matter how hard I tried, and how much I believed.

That will always be the biggest thing I took away from going to that church. The times I flirted with suicide because I wanted to kiss my best friend. The times in my first semester of college that I thought if I wrote my suicide note eloquently enough, that would show them. That they would suffer as I was suffering. That their inability to accept me for who I was would be driven home if I could only bring myself to die to let them know.

A few years ago my mom's second cousin killed himself because he was gay and Mormon. She reminded me of that when I told her I wasn't sure if I should show Elemental to my aunt. On top of that there were rumors that my mom's cousin, who was like a second mother to me when I was little, may have been a lesbian. She never got married, and she had a roommate for years that may or may not have been her girlfriend. I can't ask her about it, because she's dead now as well.

But maybe, maybe, maybe it will have been enough that my aunt can read my novel with an open mind. I know my family loves me, no matter what my choices have been. I know my family loves me, and that they are proud of me, and that they want me to succeed. They're amazing people, full of spirit and faith, even if I just can't agree with the particular church they have put their faith in.

I'll send her a copy when I'm done and I suppose I'll just have to wait and see. There's a lot of fear wrapped up around this, but I suppose since I write about non-traditional relationships all the time they're (the Mormon half of my family) bound to find out eventually, and I just have to trust them to make up their own minds.


Jul. 27th, 2011 12:35 pm
tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Time)
Elemental has slowed to a crawl. Fanfics are on the back burner. The urge to edit/rewrite Legacy of the Fae is rising. We'll see what comes of it.

I didn't expect a lot in the way of feedback on my fanfic chapters, but I'm still a bit sad that I didn't get anything at all. I brought it on myself, though.

Actually, I *really* want to work on the ending of Riding the Wave right now. Maybe I'll do that over the next couple of days. It's such a fun story, and I'd hate to see it unfinished.

That might be one thing that's got me holding back right now. Fanfic. I noticed that one friend of mine who is professionally published right now pulled all of her fanfics from all fanfic archives. I have no idea if she did that before or after she got an agent. No idea if she did that in a fit of depression (when she deleted her LJ, too) or if it was because as a professional she couldn't have any of it up anymore.

I don't want to pull all of my fanfics. I know I don't get the readers I used to, because I was inactive so long, but I know I still have people reading. I don't want to disappoint the people who enjoyed those stories. Writing isn't about money for me. It's about sharing my ideas. It would be *nice* to be able to make a living from it some day, but that's not what would drive me. I write because I have stories in my head that want to be told.

So maybe that's it. Maybe that's something that's been holding me back. Maybe I'm a little afraid of success, because that means I'll have new limits. I don't know. I'll think about it.

eta: Okay, I stuck my foot in my mouth. I did get feedback on Zettai Daijobu, I just didn't check the right email account before I posted this. I *do* feel better. I feel bad about Riding the Wave, but I feel worlds better about writing in general. Though...the part about what's holding me back on Elemental right now still stands.
tamchronin: (Satoshi)
Two fanfic updates today. I'll add them both to MediaMiner later, but for now they're up on other sites.

Anyone excited about what Sakura is dealing with after being kidnapped can now go read up on to see the start of her ordeal:
Zettai Daijobu

Saya has a heart to heart with Akira, and then with Hikaru:
Riding the Wave

A headache I've had the last three days threw me off, since I'd wanted to do this update yesterday. It's here at last, and I'm going to *hope* it doesn't take me so long to update fanfics again.
tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Unicorn dream)
Elemental is at just over 60,000 words, and I'm trying to start a war. I think it will run another 15k-20k words, and I want to flesh out a few things once I'm done putting the story down "on paper". I need to finish writing down what all the holidays are, and maybe draw a map because the one in my head is still a little fuzzy.

I know what will happen at the end. I mostly know how to get everyone from point A to point B at this point, but I've still got a few hazy areas.

I love this story. I can't wait 'till it's in the shape of a book I'd love to read. It's close. But it's not there yet.

Friday was the boyfriend's birthday. We went on a road trip, which was a lot of fun. It gave me a few ideas for other novels, especially the Fae ones. Jalireth grew up in Tucson after he turned 9, and driving around Arizona gives me a feel for what he'd have seen better than sitting in my air conditioned apartment in the middle of the city does. One thing about writing: you can't write if all you do is sit behind a desk and stare at a computer. If you don't engage your own five senses, how can you make your reader feel like all five of theirs are engaged? =P

We've got clouds rolling in. It might storm tonight. It might not. It would be really cool if it does.

I hope more writing will happen later. For now my head hurts just a bit too much to keep going.
tamchronin: (Satoshi)
For years Elemental has been my baby. I love the story and the characters in it far more than anything else I've ever written, even after all this time. I want it to work, but the last chapter I wrote for it was painful. It hit while my ten-year relationship with Anakin's dad was grinding to a devastating halt, and the desert setting hauntingly reflected my emotional state at the time.

I toyed with scrapping the whole project after how stilted and choppy the last chapter was, especially after one of my best friends pointed out how Agrad was frustratingly complacent and never initiated anything. Instead he just reacts to everything going on around him, much like I was afraid to take any actions in my own situation at the time. I felt like my main character had betrayed me, and I needed to write from another point of view to salvage the story and the world I was still so in love with.

It didn't work. I was relating events in detail that aren't interesting until you know the story. It sucked the life out of what I'd written before, and when I went back to look at it again it was choppy and left out details that could have made the world come to life.

The last three days I've been rereading the original first-person narrative I started so long ago, and I realized that it's still good. It's in need of a LOT of editing, but I can salvage this. It's not as bad as I was afraid it was, if I can just let go of some of the ideas I had of who Agrad is based on how I wanted to see myself at the time, and what I thought a sympathetic character would be. So I'm rolling up my sleeves and writing like I haven't been able to in what feels like forever. I've put in over 2,000 words today, words I actually feel good about for a change, and I'm not finished yet. I don't want to play video games. I don't want to watch TV. I don't want to knit.

I do want to write. And I am.

And it feels good.


Jun. 14th, 2011 11:18 pm
tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Default)
Nobody will care anymore, but the fanfic I'm working on right now is Zettai Daijobu. And I don't care that nobody will care anymore, but I'm happy and feel like I'm setting something to rest that has been holding me back and haunting me for years. If nobody reads it, it doesn't matter. All that matters is I want it to be done, because it was a good story and some day I want to read it all the way through to the end.
tamchronin: (Szark - lessons)
I poked at Elemental (third person POV) a little last night, but I still haven't been able to write past toddler Agrad screaming suddenly and interrupting his parents. It might be time to open something else, because I remember I was always the most prolific when I had several writing projects going on at once, instead of trying to concentrate on just one at a time.

I think it's time to start writing short stories more frequently, and give in to the occasional urge to do fanfic. I don't know why I gave up on a technique that obviously worked for me for so long. I suppose I thought that if I wanted to write "for real" instead of "just" fanfic I had to set aside a lot of what made writing fun. And if I sucked all the fun out of writing, it's no wonder I've had a block for so many years.

Any writing prompts or exercises are welcome. I might not use them, but I might. I'm going to try to make this fun again.
tamchronin: (I am a leaf on the wind - Firefly)
Okay, it's not so much changing my mind as changing how my mind works. I tend toward more analytical thought the first half of the day, and more creative thought about an hour before I want to go to bed. If I give in to the creative urge, I usually end up setting sleep aside a while.

The window of opportunity for creative expression didn't used to be so small, but I don't know what happened to change it all around really. Was it the time of day? 10pm is when I used to be at my most creative, even if I'd just woken up. I'd usually spend a lot of time during the day reading or doing other things where I take in information and just think, and then I'd enjoy a creative spree when I got that out of my system.

Lately work is interfering with that, just when I started to get it back. I've got the most *time* to write in the mornings when I have a day off, or when I work in the evening. So, how can I change how I think? I know there was a time when I could do a one-shot fanfic within an hour of waking up with the right prompt. Same thing with continuing a WIP, if I left off somewhere that was easy to pick up again. Does anyone have any ideas how to make that happen again?

It might be a matter of just writing. Blogging, stream of consciousness, just putting words on paper until my creativity waves the white flag and gives in. It seems slightly inefficient right now, but in the long term it might help. But, does anybody have any shortcuts?
tamchronin: (Satoshi)
Tonight I quit WoW.

My primary account closes tonight, and my secondary account closes on the 27th.

Holy Hera, what have I done?

My sincere hope is that without another distraction or creative outlet, I will put more consistent time into writing. I miss it, and I felt the dam start cracking on my writer's block a few days ago. When I don't know what to say, I'll edit. When I can't bring myself to edit, I'll sew or knit.

I want to read fanfic again. (If you know any good ones, feel free to rec. If you wrote any good ones, feel free to brag.) I want to watch anime again. But most of all, I miss the writing. I miss the connection I used to form with readers. I miss pouring my soul into characters I loved and loved to hate and hated to love.

So, that's it. One excuse, one distraction, removed.

Jeebus, I'm shaking...


tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Default)
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