tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Unicorn dream)
I'm tired today. No, not sleepy. I couldn't go back to sleep if I tried.

Just tired. Weary, I suppose.

A few days ago my aunt asked if she could read Elemental when I was finished writing, before I get around to editing.

No, not my cool professor aunt who is married to a Jewish man and is very open-minded and exposed to a lot of really cool ideas all the time and made an antibiotic strain of flesh-eating bacteria a few summers ago. (Destroyed at the end of the class, of course.)

My other aunt.

The waitress who lives in southern Idaho and is, as of late, a very devout follower of the LDS church. She reads crime novels, mystery, suspense, and romance. Sure, she was raised in California, and before she got married a second time she lived a VERY wild lifestyle. She's always been very cool and very fun, and always very pretty.

I just don't know how she'll react to this story.

See, the main character in Elemental has a very fluid and flexible gender identity and sexual orientation.

The majority of LDS people are struggling against accepting those sorts of concepts, as I'm sure most people who read this will know. I grew up Mormon, until I was nine years old. I went back a few times, until I prayed about it and realized that the way the church is right now, I can't be a part of it. While I was Mormon I felt constantly drained and pulled apart. When I realized I was bi in high school I was not going to any church, but when I went back to the LDS church afterward it was very hard.

I suffered from depression. The LDS church added to that depression, because I could not pray away my attraction to women no matter how hard I tried, and how much I believed.

That will always be the biggest thing I took away from going to that church. The times I flirted with suicide because I wanted to kiss my best friend. The times in my first semester of college that I thought if I wrote my suicide note eloquently enough, that would show them. That they would suffer as I was suffering. That their inability to accept me for who I was would be driven home if I could only bring myself to die to let them know.

A few years ago my mom's second cousin killed himself because he was gay and Mormon. She reminded me of that when I told her I wasn't sure if I should show Elemental to my aunt. On top of that there were rumors that my mom's cousin, who was like a second mother to me when I was little, may have been a lesbian. She never got married, and she had a roommate for years that may or may not have been her girlfriend. I can't ask her about it, because she's dead now as well.

But maybe, maybe, maybe it will have been enough that my aunt can read my novel with an open mind. I know my family loves me, no matter what my choices have been. I know my family loves me, and that they are proud of me, and that they want me to succeed. They're amazing people, full of spirit and faith, even if I just can't agree with the particular church they have put their faith in.

I'll send her a copy when I'm done and I suppose I'll just have to wait and see. There's a lot of fear wrapped up around this, but I suppose since I write about non-traditional relationships all the time they're (the Mormon half of my family) bound to find out eventually, and I just have to trust them to make up their own minds.


tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Default)
Tam Chronin

August 2017

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