Written Words

A lot of why I disappeared from all things fandom is because I got a job in social media a few years ago, doing moderation work. It's pretty soul-crushing, really. Seeing the worst of humanity day in and day out is hard. It's not just trolling, though that's part of it. There are actual psychotic people out there who can't handle reality and hide online, trying to hurt others. And, well, if you've got any empathy, words can hurt a lot.

Now I have a job doing video content moderation, and it's different. I haven't run into any abusive rants about the moderators, specifically. The client I work for gets abuse, but that's the name of the game no matter what social media site you work for. But, nothing personal, like the last position I was at when I worked for my previous social media employer.

(I had death threats on the regular. I'm serious. There was one account I worked that I got a death threat every day I worked it. Every single shift, sometimes multiple times a shift because this troll kept getting banned and made a new account. Several times a day. I wasn't the only one being abused like this. And we'd get this just for following our client's moderation guidelines.)

But...video. Good Lord, but it's hard. News of something graphic hits, and we're viewing abuse reports of the content in hours. People don't want to see that shit, so they send it to the abuse team to see if it follows my client's guidelines for removal or other action. Taadaa! Animal abuse. Child abuse. Hate speech. Bullying. Murder. Mangled bodies. Weird kinks that involve former food or former people. This is my every day.

I'm trying to hang on to my faith in humanity...and, actually, the quality of my coworkers helps with that. They've been picked for their intelligence and compassion, both. I don't think I've ever been in a single room of people I like and respect more as a whole, than when I'm at work. They're amazing, even the one person who managed to somehow get on my nerves.

The people I surround myself with also help. I've let go of a lot of people I used to know who are hateful and spoiling for a fight. I've divorced myself from trolls. I hang on to people who challenge me, but do not needle me. There's a huge difference. I have no time for dealing with sadists unless I'm being paid to do it.

I'm finding a great self of self confidence and self worth. The job is fulfilling, because I'm making a difference in the world. I was sought after for this position, and that makes me feel like I have a desirable skill set for the first time in my life. It's like taking everything I learned from writing fanfic and multiplying it. I learned to cope with adversity. I learned to have confidence in myself. I learned to look at the world through the eyes of other people, and treat everyone with compassion from diverse points of view.

This is exhausting, but fulfilling. I'm doing something with my life. And when I cry, well, I cry. It's okay. It's just because I'm human, and I haven't let anything I've gone through erase that.

So, I forgot I had this for a while. FB sucked ten years of my life. =P Evil, evil thing.

I don't know where to start. Years have passed since I posted an update.

I'm self publishing a novel. So, that's exciting. And I got married four years ago. And...I can't even begin to describe everything that's happened since. Wish it was all good. But. It hasn't been. Thank goodness for my husband, or I don't know how I'd have gotten through any of it. I don't know how I'd have survived.

But I'm here. Things are semi stable. And it's time to start posting here again, especially in light of what's going on in LJ land. No more LBGT posts? HA! Bye. I'm leaving before I can get kicked out. =P

Wonder if anybody will see this...

The best thing about having literate and kind friends is that they will pick you up and remind you that no matter how bad you think you are, at least you didn't write a Twilight fanfic and mangle S&M so bad that you turned rape and stalking into an ideal for teenage girls everywhere.

On that note, I'M PUBLISHING MY NOVEL!

Hold my purse, I believe I shall faint.

I've given up on Facebook in disgust.

That is all.

When I heard that it took David Eddings seven years to write Pawn of Prophecy (Belgariad #1) I have to admit I scoffed a little bit. "I could do that in my sleep!"

Okay, so I'm stupid.

It's taking me about that long, and longer, to write Elemental. Part of my world building included writing a novella.

Sure, a LOT has happened in that time, but if I can make this a full time career at some point I won't be able to make excuses.

My World of Warcraft subscription is running out and isn't going to be renewed. No more "obligation" to play just because I'm playing a fee for access on a regular basis. Writing is the priority.

Okay, my job is actually the priority since I kinda need that to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads, but...writing before gaming.

I want the second draft of Elemental to be done by next Sunday. That's my goal.

I can do this.

I will do this.

This is what I want to do with my life.

I'm in dire need of a new job.

Okay, not dire. Not yet. But if I don't get one, the living situation is going to get mighty uncomfortable starting next month or the month after, because my hours are being completely slashed. I'm very unhappy about that.

But...because of it I've been writing like a woman possessed.

Is that the responsible thing to do?

Well, damn. That's the question, isn't it?

If I don't use this burst of motivation, I'm wasting what may be my last opportunity to do what I really WANT to do in live.

It's not entirely practical, though. I might be hiding my head in the sand a bit, not finishing up my resume and sending it out to all sorts of places that will add a commute and the inconvenience of not working at home. I know this. I'm aware. I'm also rather insecure about the interview process in general.

However, I want to finish my second draft of Elemental. I want this chance. I want to take this risk. I love this novel, and I want to play in this world for years to come. I want to write.

I really want to write, more than any other job I could have in the world.

I must be crazy, but if I am...I am okay with that.

My grandpa was an artist. He quit a well-paying job at an ad agency doing ad art so that he could paint what he wanted to paint the rest of his life. If he hadn't done that, I wouldn't even be here because my parents would never have met. There comes a point in time where you have to make that jump, or admit you never will.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go write a war that makes *sense* this time around.

...when I put my mind to it.

Almost done with chapter 8 of Zettai Daijobu, and it's going very well. :D It also explains a lot, but leads to a LOT of questions. As it should, since I'm only half way through. ^_^

It's going to be glorious! I'm glad I decided to finally put this one to bed.



eta: Chapter 8 finished. Chapter 9 started. Yay?

As soon as I got that last post out of my system, I felt like I could get back to editing Elemental.

Ten minutes later, no.

Ten minutes after that, maybe.

After that, back to no.

Come on!!!

This is maddening. Seriously maddening. I'm going insane, here.

I've heard that I'll always be my own worst critic, but holy crap. If I can't get over this, no one will ever be able to prove me right. Or wrong. Or anything.

Uh...maybe I shouldn't go looking for bad reviews for Lauren's books, so I don't scare myself away from ever wanting to write ever again. That, uh, may have been a thing...a few minutes ago...a thing that made me decide to not edit today... u_u Well, shit. If I can't handle bad reviews for a friend's books, how will I survive a bad review of my own? GAH!

Must. Write. Anyway.

Finished my second draft of the first chapter of Elemental the other day.

The second chapter is looming over me, staring at me and taunting me, telling me to just give up and play video games because I'll never be a good enough writer to make that chapter worth reading.

And then there's book 2 in the Lightbringer series that came out today. Delivered straight to my Kindle. And it's taunting me even worse, telling me I could just sit back and read all day instead of working on my own stories.

Dammit, I've been reading for the last two months. I need to stop that long enough to get some writing done or I'll never be a success!

This chapter is hard. And it sucks. And editing/revising/rewriting is taking so much time that I'm wondering if it's even worth it to try to get published. And why am I working on Elemental when it's probably the least likely to get published? Oh, sure, I love it, but it's first person, and it's...flawed. There are...things. Things that are wrong with it. And there's gender issues and sexual identity issues that are never fully resolved. And it's glorious and I love it, but I'm scared it won't get published so I should work on something with a little more promise. Something a bit more normal.

But...Agrad is my hero. And I adore Krecek to little bitty pieces. And I want to give them a chance.

Aw, crud. I'm scared.

And I'm going to keep editing. Revising. Rewriting. Whatever.

Last week, Richard asked my family's permission to marry me. As in, started out with Anakin, since he's the most important. (Anakin is not entirely keen on the idea, but he's not exactly protesting either. It's all a bit much for him, and he's got some concerns, but he also wants me to be happy, and I can tell he really likes the idea of being a part of Richard's family except for one small problem...he's got a small crush on the one girl who will become his cousin. hehe)

Then he asked my dad's permission, which apparently completely tickled my dad because nobody ever asked him before. Or even took his opinion into account.

Then, since my parents are divorced, he called my mom.

Then, because my mom isn't nearly all that mature or responsible, he called my sister.

And, of course, he called his own son.

Then my brother, because my sis-in-law was feeling left out.

Followed by umilingual because she's an ex-roommate of both of ours, one of my best friends, and someone we both love and respect a lot.

And then his best friend, Moose.

I called his mom after that, not entirely sure what to say to her because he technically hadn't asked *me* yet. But since he was calling everyone under the sun, it didn't seem fair that I didn't call anyone.

And he still hasn't asked me. Technically. Later that night, he asked me a couple of times, "So, how do you feel about it?" And I gave playful, somewhat avoiding answers, because holy shit I was scared.

Terrified, really.

But that's okay. So was he. Even if he didn't act like it. I know him well enough now.

Tuesday we went out and bought rings. My engagement ring should be sized by next Wednesday. There will be pics on Facebook.

We have a tentative date. It's nerdy, so I hope I'll remember it. We are thinking about having it in Las Vegas, to make it easier for people who will have to travel from other parts of the country. We have our invitations narrowed down to a handful. We wrote our first list of people to invite, and then we'll take those lists to our parents to fill in the blanks like great-uncles or great-aunts who might want to at least send gifts.

He called me Mrs. last night in an intimate moment, and while I protested that it's not yet, it was still a huge turn-on.

So...he still hasn't asked me, yet. Not really. And I still haven't given him an answer yet.

But we both know it's yes.