tamchronin: (I am a leaf on the wind - Firefly)
A lot of why I disappeared from all things fandom is because I got a job in social media a few years ago, doing moderation work. It's pretty soul-crushing, really. Seeing the worst of humanity day in and day out is hard. It's not just trolling, though that's part of it. There are actual psychotic people out there who can't handle reality and hide online, trying to hurt others. And, well, if you've got any empathy, words can hurt a lot.

Now I have a job doing video content moderation, and it's different. I haven't run into any abusive rants about the moderators, specifically. The client I work for gets abuse, but that's the name of the game no matter what social media site you work for. But, nothing personal, like the last position I was at when I worked for my previous social media employer.

(I had death threats on the regular. I'm serious. There was one account I worked that I got a death threat every day I worked it. Every single shift, sometimes multiple times a shift because this troll kept getting banned and made a new account. Several times a day. I wasn't the only one being abused like this. And we'd get this just for following our client's moderation guidelines.)

But...video. Good Lord, but it's hard. News of something graphic hits, and we're viewing abuse reports of the content in hours. People don't want to see that shit, so they send it to the abuse team to see if it follows my client's guidelines for removal or other action. Taadaa! Animal abuse. Child abuse. Hate speech. Bullying. Murder. Mangled bodies. Weird kinks that involve former food or former people. This is my every day.

I'm trying to hang on to my faith in humanity...and, actually, the quality of my coworkers helps with that. They've been picked for their intelligence and compassion, both. I don't think I've ever been in a single room of people I like and respect more as a whole, than when I'm at work. They're amazing, even the one person who managed to somehow get on my nerves.

The people I surround myself with also help. I've let go of a lot of people I used to know who are hateful and spoiling for a fight. I've divorced myself from trolls. I hang on to people who challenge me, but do not needle me. There's a huge difference. I have no time for dealing with sadists unless I'm being paid to do it.

I'm finding a great self of self confidence and self worth. The job is fulfilling, because I'm making a difference in the world. I was sought after for this position, and that makes me feel like I have a desirable skill set for the first time in my life. It's like taking everything I learned from writing fanfic and multiplying it. I learned to cope with adversity. I learned to have confidence in myself. I learned to look at the world through the eyes of other people, and treat everyone with compassion from diverse points of view.

This is exhausting, but fulfilling. I'm doing something with my life. And when I cry, well, I cry. It's okay. It's just because I'm human, and I haven't let anything I've gone through erase that.
tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Default)
I'm settled in here at DW. Transferred all my LJ entries here, since there's no telling if my LJ will get deleted.

~wiggle, wiggle~

Aaaah, time to relax.

I forgot...

Apr. 8th, 2017 09:31 pm
tamchronin: WoW firefly pet with "still flying" (Still Flying)
So, I forgot I had this for a while. FB sucked ten years of my life. =P Evil, evil thing.

I don't know where to start. Years have passed since I posted an update.

I'm self publishing a novel. So, that's exciting. And I got married four years ago. And...I can't even begin to describe everything that's happened since. Wish it was all good. But. It hasn't been. Thank goodness for my husband, or I don't know how I'd have gotten through any of it. I don't know how I'd have survived.

But I'm here. Things are semi stable. And it's time to start posting here again, especially in light of what's going on in LJ land. No more LBGT posts? HA! Bye. I'm leaving before I can get kicked out. =P

Wonder if anybody will see this...
tamchronin: (Hermione - brown nosing know it all)
The best thing about having literate and kind friends is that they will pick you up and remind you that no matter how bad you think you are, at least you didn't write a Twilight fanfic and mangle S&M so bad that you turned rape and stalking into an ideal for teenage girls everywhere.


Hold my purse, I believe I shall faint.

The latest

Feb. 23rd, 2017 07:08 pm
tamchronin: (I am a leaf on the wind - Firefly)
So, I'm working on self publishing Elemental.

I've hired a cover artist, and I'm cleaning up the wording and leftovers from things I edited out.

I'm *doing* it.

So, here I was, super excited, finally doing it, about to see my dreams take some sort of form...and here comes the emotional crash and anxiety. =P

Well, that sucks.

Especially since my reason for not sending the manuscript out to more agents is because I couldn't handle the anxiety. x_x How is this fair?

I'm going to die so faded, forgotten, and unknown. T_T Thanks, brain. I really needed this crappy life I keep settling for. =P
tamchronin: (Hermione - brown nosing know it all)
I've given up on Facebook in disgust.

That is all.


Apr. 13th, 2015 03:29 pm
tamchronin: (Hermione - brown nosing know it all)
I suck and should never have aspired to call myself an author.
tamchronin: (Szark - lessons)
When I heard that it took David Eddings seven years to write Pawn of Prophecy (Belgariad #1) I have to admit I scoffed a little bit. "I could do that in my sleep!"

Okay, so I'm stupid.

It's taking me about that long, and longer, to write Elemental. Part of my world building included writing a novella.

Sure, a LOT has happened in that time, but if I can make this a full time career at some point I won't be able to make excuses.

My World of Warcraft subscription is running out and isn't going to be renewed. No more "obligation" to play just because I'm playing a fee for access on a regular basis. Writing is the priority.

Okay, my job is actually the priority since I kinda need that to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads, but...writing before gaming.

I want the second draft of Elemental to be done by next Sunday. That's my goal.

I can do this.

I will do this.

This is what I want to do with my life.
tamchronin: (Hermione - brown nosing know it all)
I forgot to mention, because Facebook is so convenient, all the reasons I am not *already* finished with revisions on Elemental.

Partly, enjoying being a newlywed.

Partly, home renovations.

Partly, watching my father-in-law lose his battle with cancer.

Add in a few little things, here and there, and you have a picture that almost resembles the past year.

It's been rough, it's been hectic, and I'll be very happy when this year is over.

I don't feel like I've been slacking, but going back to the last post, over a year ago, and seeing that I was *still* working on revisions is really depressing. :( I used to be prolific. I really miss those days.
tamchronin: (Inara)
I'm in dire need of a new job.

Okay, not dire. Not yet. But if I don't get one, the living situation is going to get mighty uncomfortable starting next month or the month after, because my hours are being completely slashed. I'm very unhappy about that.

But...because of it I've been writing like a woman possessed.

Is that the responsible thing to do?

Well, damn. That's the question, isn't it?

If I don't use this burst of motivation, I'm wasting what may be my last opportunity to do what I really WANT to do in live.

It's not entirely practical, though. I might be hiding my head in the sand a bit, not finishing up my resume and sending it out to all sorts of places that will add a commute and the inconvenience of not working at home. I know this. I'm aware. I'm also rather insecure about the interview process in general.

However, I want to finish my second draft of Elemental. I want this chance. I want to take this risk. I love this novel, and I want to play in this world for years to come. I want to write.

I really want to write, more than any other job I could have in the world.

I must be crazy, but if I am...I am okay with that.

My grandpa was an artist. He quit a well-paying job at an ad agency doing ad art so that he could paint what he wanted to paint the rest of his life. If he hadn't done that, I wouldn't even be here because my parents would never have met. There comes a point in time where you have to make that jump, or admit you never will.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go write a war that makes *sense* this time around.
tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Time)
I've picked up on revisions on Elemental again.

Holy CRAP it's a much better story now, but I STILL hate the end. D: I don't know how I'm going to fix the war to make it right.

I'll get to it when I get to it.

Still, so far it's a MUCH better story than it was. I love it, love it, love it. I'm dying to share it with someone so they can love it just as much and gush over it with me and tell me how completely amazing I am, BUT I can't do that.

I'm trying, and trying so very hard, to keep access down to three people. And those three people are too busy to read it. So there is no gushing. And there is no amazing.

For the first time ever, I am writing in a complete void.

It's unnerving.

How do people live like this?

How do you normal writers do it?

I'm just completely wigged out.

It is what it is. And now, I have to finish chapter seven. At this point in the rough draft I was at 24,049 words. My second draft stands at 34,442 words...and rising. So, slightly more than a quarter of the way through, and I've added 10k words. Well. It needed it, that's all I can say.

tamchronin: (Hermione - brown nosing know it all)
...when I put my mind to it.

Almost done with chapter 8 of Zettai Daijobu, and it's going very well. :D It also explains a lot, but leads to a LOT of questions. As it should, since I'm only half way through. ^_^

It's going to be glorious! I'm glad I decided to finally put this one to bed.

eta: Chapter 8 finished. Chapter 9 started. Yay?
tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Seishirou shiki)
The wedding threw me off my writing groove. I'd been reading all of these books 'n stuff...and then a week ago I just had this urge to drop it all off a cliff. =P I've wanted to write, but I have this regular schedule now, and it's all days with weekends off. ZOMG! So, all the time I'd normally be writing while the boys are at work/school is taken up with...work. And dammit, I'm a newlywed! I don't want to get lost on the computer while my husband is home.

Anyway, I ended up rereading CCS...I picked up the Dark Horse omnibus editions but never got around to reading the whole thing. And that got me thinking of old fanfics...

And last week I just sat around and reread old fics I've written. Finished ones. And...they're still good. Not GREAT or anything, but very much worth the read. Kinda fun if not too involved or convoluted. Interesting twists, fast paced, etc...

Well, that made me want to go back and reread other things I've loved. Last night I finished rereading The Labyrinth by Peacewish. Oh, I had forgotten just how good that one was. In fact, I don't think I stopped and appreciated all the detail she put into her stories before. I am a HORRIBLE person, and I used to have this terrible habit of skimming or skipping large blocks of text...and I was guilty of that in too many of her stories. And what I found this read through was GLORIOUS! What a treat. :D

I really need to finish Zettai Daijobu. Like...now. Before I keep adding large blocks of text to Elemental. I owe Peacewish, and any other fans who have patiently waited for that fic. And anyone who will find it only after it is finished. The chapters are so short and easy, from my current perspective. I have NOTES! (Seriously, this fic was a huge turning point for me. Planning and I never used to mix. At all. Ever.) (We're talking oil and water. For reals.)

So, yeah. I can do this. I WILL do this. And I will finish it and put it out on LJ for folks, and then ff.n and maybe Tsukimine Shrine, and...this will be a good thing. This fic and Riding the Wave have been hanging off my back, holding me back, dragging me...I will finish them.

And then revisions on Elemental will be a piece of cake.
tamchronin: (Hermione - brown nosing know it all)
As soon as I got that last post out of my system, I felt like I could get back to editing Elemental.

Ten minutes later, no.

Ten minutes after that, maybe.

After that, back to no.

Come on!!!

This is maddening. Seriously maddening. I'm going insane, here.

I've heard that I'll always be my own worst critic, but holy crap. If I can't get over this, no one will ever be able to prove me right. Or wrong. Or anything.

Uh...maybe I shouldn't go looking for bad reviews for Lauren's books, so I don't scare myself away from ever wanting to write ever again. That, uh, may have been a thing...a few minutes ago...a thing that made me decide to not edit today... u_u Well, shit. If I can't handle bad reviews for a friend's books, how will I survive a bad review of my own? GAH!

Must. Write. Anyway.
tamchronin: (Hermione - brown nosing know it all)
I'm 38 and getting married. I'm a mom. I have a house and a job. You'd think I'd have my shit together by now.

Well, I suppose I'm getting better at pretending. I know the right things to say these days, more often than I used to. I still feel like I'm broken inside.

I read this post of Single Dad Laughing today. I'm falling apart all over again. I don't have secrets like that, I wear it all pretty much on my sleeve, but the things others keep secret are things I feel, too. I just have no shame, I guess.

This whole approaching wedding thing actually has me depressed, off and on. Not about the wedding or the marriage, though that *does* terrify me in ways that are hard to explain. (After 38 years of not being good enough for anyone, I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Good things just don't *happen* to me without some horrible cost.) I think mostly it's the stress piling up, because that's a thing, right?

I've been telling everyone that I haven't been writing/editing because of the looming wedding. Honestly, I started looking at agent websites and just about crumbled under the weight of not being good enough. Even if I win the cosmic lottery and get one story, one novel, one *something* published, how could I ever hope to keep it up? My book will sit on the bottom shelf, picked up by a handful of people who already know my fanfic if I'm lucky and they'd still give me a shot, and then...nothing.

I'm supposed to have it all together by now. I keep saying, "This year is the year." I've been saying that for so long it's obviously just a hollow shell now. A brittle mask that hides the fact that there's just not enough substance inside to hold it up much longer. I can't even get my best friends to stay interested in my novels long enough to read them. I can't convince any boyfriend I've ever had to even give what I've written a try.

What a sham I am. What a wreck. I almost convinced myself that my life was everything I'd ever wanted. I'm nothing like I want to convince everyone I am.
tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Time)
Finished my second draft of the first chapter of Elemental the other day.

The second chapter is looming over me, staring at me and taunting me, telling me to just give up and play video games because I'll never be a good enough writer to make that chapter worth reading.

And then there's book 2 in the Lightbringer series that came out today. Delivered straight to my Kindle. And it's taunting me even worse, telling me I could just sit back and read all day instead of working on my own stories.

Dammit, I've been reading for the last two months. I need to stop that long enough to get some writing done or I'll never be a success!

This chapter is hard. And it sucks. And editing/revising/rewriting is taking so much time that I'm wondering if it's even worth it to try to get published. And why am I working on Elemental when it's probably the least likely to get published? Oh, sure, I love it, but it's first person, and it's...flawed. There are...things. Things that are wrong with it. And there's gender issues and sexual identity issues that are never fully resolved. And it's glorious and I love it, but I'm scared it won't get published so I should work on something with a little more promise. Something a bit more normal.

But...Agrad is my hero. And I adore Krecek to little bitty pieces. And I want to give them a chance.

Aw, crud. I'm scared.

And I'm going to keep editing. Revising. Rewriting. Whatever.
tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Unicorn dream)
...and I just want to relax. :(

Everything has been getting so hectic, and it feels like I don't have time to breathe. I've been spending all my free time reading a series of books a friend recommended, which means I haven't gotten any writing done. I mean, you have to read to write. That's given. It's like saying you have to swim to dive in the Olympics. Big duh there.

And until a month ago, I hadn't been spending nearly enough time reading. Now that I'm caught up on that series, I want to write again. But I keep getting distracted by so many other things! It might be time to weed my Facebook list a bit, especially from all the political crap I've got on my feed.

I'll poke at it later. For now, I should sit down and write. Er, edit. Well, rewrite. My second draft is shiny, but it's just taking too long.
tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Unicorn dream)
Last week, Richard asked my family's permission to marry me. As in, started out with Anakin, since he's the most important. (Anakin is not entirely keen on the idea, but he's not exactly protesting either. It's all a bit much for him, and he's got some concerns, but he also wants me to be happy, and I can tell he really likes the idea of being a part of Richard's family except for one small problem...he's got a small crush on the one girl who will become his cousin. hehe)

Then he asked my dad's permission, which apparently completely tickled my dad because nobody ever asked him before. Or even took his opinion into account.

Then, since my parents are divorced, he called my mom.

Then, because my mom isn't nearly all that mature or responsible, he called my sister.

And, of course, he called his own son.

Then my brother, because my sis-in-law was feeling left out.

Followed by [profile] umilingual because she's an ex-roommate of both of ours, one of my best friends, and someone we both love and respect a lot.

And then his best friend, Moose.

I called his mom after that, not entirely sure what to say to her because he technically hadn't asked *me* yet. But since he was calling everyone under the sun, it didn't seem fair that I didn't call anyone.

And he still hasn't asked me. Technically. Later that night, he asked me a couple of times, "So, how do you feel about it?" And I gave playful, somewhat avoiding answers, because holy shit I was scared.

Terrified, really.

But that's okay. So was he. Even if he didn't act like it. I know him well enough now.

Tuesday we went out and bought rings. My engagement ring should be sized by next Wednesday. There will be pics on Facebook.

We have a tentative date. It's nerdy, so I hope I'll remember it. We are thinking about having it in Las Vegas, to make it easier for people who will have to travel from other parts of the country. We have our invitations narrowed down to a handful. We wrote our first list of people to invite, and then we'll take those lists to our parents to fill in the blanks like great-uncles or great-aunts who might want to at least send gifts.

He called me Mrs. last night in an intimate moment, and while I protested that it's not yet, it was still a huge turn-on.

So...he still hasn't asked me, yet. Not really. And I still haven't given him an answer yet.

But we both know it's yes.
tamchronin: (I am a leaf on the wind - Firefly)
Updating in little bits and reposts and pics here and there gets addictive. Facebook sees me more often than any other site, and not only for work. It's easy to sit there and let it all scroll past and share just that little tidbit that matters, or doesn't matter, or that word of wisdom you found at the bottom of your last bottle of beer.

When I sit down to write, and have time to do so, I try to put the energy into storytelling. When I have a random thought, it ends up in story notes, or up on Facebook.

Anywho, I had breakfast with my step-mom today. There's some evil badness there from my past, and from being a pretty messed-up teenager while my dad was dating and then married to someone not really ready to handle any of that. We really haven't gotten along well, and sometimes in a spectacular manner. Today went really well, though. Today I genuinely liked hanging out with her, and I think I'd like to do that again. I'm starting to understand her better, and that helps a lot. I think there are a few times I'd like to go back in time and smack the person I used to be, so I don't blame her so much for having such a hard time. We were raised *weird* when I was little...so...

Eh. It's a minor miracle I ended up not killing myself as a teenager, between the depression and the abuse. If I can wind up somewhere closer to normal, and at least able to function in society, it's a huge victory. I'll take that.

I'll always be weird. I just hope that it's not a *harmful* sort of weird. Or, at least one that Anakin can recover from, eventually. x_x And one that doesn't wind up with me being found a week later under a pile of crap I've "collected", being devoured by my 72 cats.


Setting that thought aside, we're going to try to head up north tomorrow to see snow. There was a storm last weekend, and apparently most of the snow melted this week, but we're not sure when we'll get another chance. Some snowy goodness is better than none at all. The weather just doesn't like my work schedule. That's all.

Okay, I *need* to finish The Arcane Wars soon. I still don't think it will ever be published, but I know a few people who would love to get some more background for Elemental...or just more story, period. I adore Krecek and Aral to itty bitty bits and pieces in this one, and Naran is *adorable*. So, yeah, must finish.

On that note, I think I've rambled enough. Work tonight is going to be insane, I'm sure. Some of the clients we have on my shift cater to party animals, so I'm going to need to put in as much relaxing as I can before it starts! Ciao for now!


tamchronin: coctail umbrella captioned "pretty but pretty useless" (Default)
Tam Chronin

August 2017

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